Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
