This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
