Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
