Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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