We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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