no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
