I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
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I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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