The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
