I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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