shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
