gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
