I didn't shave. On purpose
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
