whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
