Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
