highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
