The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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