My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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