wrigley field is MILF paradise
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
