It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
