This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
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Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
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WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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