I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
