Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
