I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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