My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Is that strawberry winking at me??
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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