Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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