I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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