I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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