Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
