So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
