went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We just shotgunned beers for America
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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