I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I am one with the molecules
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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