Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize