Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
