Jerry, you need to find god
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
