"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Bring me that man meat
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
