i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
