I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
