i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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