Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i need to put some appletini on your dick
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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