paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
