I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
