Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
accomplished twins. life is a go
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
