My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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