can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
