if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
