What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Holy shit dude........stairs
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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