I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
