I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
