So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize