I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
