if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
