I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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