Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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