You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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