I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
