I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
