I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You don't make any sense
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